A Six-Bladed Razor Cuts too Close to Comedy

I’ve never been a big fan of shaving. As a rather hairy, full-blooded Italian I was cursed with the need to shave regularly during my early teenage years.

My collective hair follicles were so healthy during that formative period of my life, that my three sisters jokingly called me “Link” - as in the half-ape/half-man missing evolutionary link. Genetics can be cruel as can sisters (sob).

As I said, I’ve never been a fan of shaving.

Emotional scars aside, I guess I never got used to the possibility of self-inflicting physical scars by pressing razor-sharp steel against my jugular in the name of socially-accepted hygienic standards. It’s a necessary evil, that I really hadn’t given much thought.

Mutually-Assured Destruction of Hair

However, that’s not the case for the corporate shaving titans Schick and Gillette, who have given the act of shaving a great deal of thought. They’ve explored deep science of “progressive geometry,” (no joke) as well as tapping technology from the semiconductor and automotive industries – all in an effort to separate dead hair cells from my face.

Both companies have built billion-dollar empires off the chins of millions of men. Their escalating follicle feud began decades ago in a Cold War-like grooming race:

• It began with single blades;
• Moved to disposable razors;
• Jumped to double blades, then triple blades, then quadruple blade shavers;
• Evolved with the addition of lubricating strips;
• With a seismic shift to vibrating razors.

It’s an unending weapons race to assure the mutual destruction of every renegade hair on the face of…ahem, er…a man’s face.

According to those companies, shaving is no longer shaving. It’s more akin to gliding, hovering and skimming than dragging a blade across the throat. But in a comedic, surreal twist, the game may have changed.

The Latest Weapon Against Unwanted Hair

Enter the latest innovative, technological advancement in the assault against testosterone [insert drum roll, 21-gun salute and obligatory explosions here] – it’s called the ShaveMate®. The newest addition to a man’s grooming arsenal is a shaver with six-blades. SIX blades?? Really?? Do I need six blades to remove the hair off my face? That many blades seems like a comedic hoax or some kind of college-parody skit.

[NOTE: Embedded below this hub are razor-sharp video spoofs from Saturday Night Live and MadTV respectively to make the silly point of maximum blade technology. Check them out now - I'll wait here.]

Do Men Need a Swiss Army Knife for Their Face?

Despite this seemingly tongue-in-cheek shaving blade escalation, the ShaveMate’s six bladed razor is a real product even though it seems like a parody.

If you visit the site, the guffaws build even more once the ShaveMate pitchman tells you that this razor has a tiny built-in shaving cream dispenser in the handle; flexible neck technology “to navigate the contours of a man’s face;” an Aqua Flow feature for easy cleaning; plus a lubricated gliding strip for comfort.

It’s like the metro-sexual’s answer to the multi-functional Leatherman® tool or all purpose Swiss Army® knife – both of which are great for camping but do I really need a cross-purpose survival tool for my face? Having said that, didn’t the pioneers that built this nation dry shave with a tanto-sharp axe that was then subsequently used to fell a tree? Would any self-respecting frontier fella be caught dead with a ShaveMate? I think not.

Razor Technology Has Jumped the Shark

I used to love the nostalgic show about the 50's called Happy Days with Fonzie and the gang. But the episode where the ultra-cool Fonz water-skied over the shark tank marked the downward spiral of that show – hence the phrase “Jump the Shark” which has come to signify the inflexion point when something has officially moved from the realm of the relevant to the ridiculous.

This latest shark-jumping entrant into the arena of razor gladiators seems more like a cartoonish, money-grabbing joke from the mind of Rube Goldberg rather than a benefit-rich product that solves problems.

If this is the state of “innovation” which our country has to offer, it’s little wonder that manufacturing jobs continue to be exported from the U.S. – by the way, the ShaveMate makes no mention that its six-bladed device is made on American soil. Strike six.

That fact alone just adds to my head-shaking and eyebrow-raising resignation regarding this product. Hmmm….that makes me wonder if ShaveMate might consider adding an eyebrow tweezers and nose-hair trimmer attachment as an upsell. I would buy it then – not.

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Tor Constantino has more than 20 years experience as a former journalist and current PR practitioner. Additionally, he's a father, husband, marathoner, writer and believer. He just completed his first nonfiction book titled "A Question of Faith: a Simple Question Toward Ultimate Truth." He blogs daily regarding faith, family, finance and fitness at torconsblog.blogspot.com/.